(00:01):
Hi, I'm Joshua
(00:02):
From ask the child
(00:03):
Whisper and I am here to offer you some parenting help. That is real life for real life kids.
(00:08):
Whether you have a mellow
(00:09):
Kid or super spicy, I'm
(00:11):
The coach for you,
(00:15):
You know, have you ever thought about how fast you move, how fast you respond, what is your pace? What is your pacing throughout the day, especially when it comes to your children, not necessarily with your to-do list or your job more. So how did you start off as a parent? I think the big myth or what the media tries to tell you or books is that you are really connected to your child, that you are soulmates. And so your kid cries and you are bending over backwards to get there, to save them, to help them. You also have this kind of belief that if you get there faster, the crying will stop. If it there faster, the tantrum will be over with quicker. If you get there faster, they will be happy. If you get there faster, it'll be easier. And I think the problem is that we are led to believe faster is, uh, save all the catchall.
(01:21):
It is the hero of the day. Particularly here in America, everything has to be fast. Every fast, fast, fast, fast will help you fast will save you. And I have always found it to be one of the things that is counterintuitive. And it's, it's not a tool. I feel it's a weapon. It's a weapon that sets up both the parent and the child to self destruct. So I'm gonna slow you down. And I want you to just think about internally when your child is very young, whether you birth them, surrogacy option, you do wanna move quickly to help the child. What happens is we stay in that mode. We stay in that mode, particularly even if our child doesn't move at that pacing, even if our child is slower, because suddenly we become very hyper aware of people watching us. Oh, I don't wanna move slow.
(02:23):
I don't wanna think they're. I don't want people to think I'm ignoring my kid. I don't wanna move slow, cuz I don't want them to think. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't wanna move slow cuz I don't want so and so to come, but in and try to save the day. I don't wanna move slow because of what people will think. Well, it gets really cloudy, right? The more people becoming your circuit, it, it becomes crowded and more noisy. The more you do it, it becomes muscle memory where you're constantly on eggshells because you feel you have to get to your kid in a split second. And then what happens is your kid starts to read that, huh? This must be an emergency. Oh my goodness. I'm actually terrified if she doesn't get here within the first squeal. Oh my goodness. Maybe, maybe other people need to move faster as her.
(03:16):
Like I don't feel safer on all these other people. And so do you see how the misconception of safe starts to have this massive rip ripple effect and safe becomes connected with speed and that is not sustainable. It's also not how you as a person function. Most of us need time. We need time to consider things times to figure out how we feel about it. Time to plan a move plan to figure out is this the best thing to do or should I do it later? Huh? Am I really hungry? Hungry or a little hungry? Ha yeah, wait, do I really need to help her? Or is she gonna figure it out? So the pause, the pause is the gift. But the pause is the gift that we've been robbed of. The pause is the thing that we've been convinced by other people and by our group or our little culture or our group that we hang around, we've become convinced that pausing is ineffective and for fools.
(04:27):
But when it comes to children, the pause is everything. It is everything. Do you know why? Because during the pause you think all your worst awful pair at things during the pause, you're like, oh, oh, I wish I could. I wish I could smack her hand. Oh my parents would've spanked me by now. Oh, I wish I could throw that toy away. Oh, so that initial, visceral reaction to whatever your kid is doing, even if they're a sweet baby in the crib, it's the, oh, I'm so tired of breastfeeding. My boob are killing me. Oh, I'm exhausted. You cried all night. That's where the it can come up. You can acknowledge it. And then it goes back down. The pause is what saves you from making decisions that you will regret it later. The pause helps you see the bigger picture. The pause in turn helps your child know I am safe.
(05:32):
Even though I am uncomfortable, I can survive this hu initial hunger pain. I can survive this initial fear of oops, where's my mommy. I can get over the, oh my blanket fell off. And I feel a little chilly. I can hold off for a second. And when my grownup comes, it will be worked out. So the pause is also something that you use, right? To ride that initial, whatever it is, fear, discomfort, anger, resentment, whatever you have, because all those are normal as you're a parent day to day. But it also comes in handy when you start to troubleshoot. Hmm. All right, baby. I'm gonna try this. Let's see how it works for us. So you swallow her again and you pause. You're not going from SW to then jump up and down and rock. Do you see how that's too fast? You didn't wait to see if the SW worked.
(06:35):
You didn't wait to. If your kid wrapped their mind around this new position, this new feeling, this new sensation, and you're not like giving them time to figure it out, to sit with it for a second or two. That is the beauty of the pause. That's the beauty of moving slower. Slow is a gift. Slow allows you to think and breathe and have a moment to get some perspective on a situation. And oftentimes that is lost. That is taught that it's not appropriate. You need to be there with lightning speed. And then we create toddlers who move at lightning speed, which then become preschoolers, which then become elementary school kids, which become junior high school kids, which become high schoolers. Do you see how speed creates a monster in all of us? Speed is elusive. The elusive savior. It doesn't ever really work. And if it did does work, it requires you breaking your neck, putting someone else first, constantly acknowledging that that person's feeling that a want is actually a need is true.
(07:53):
So these are things that yes, I would love for you to take to heart and think about help quickly. Do I move? How quickly do I hand the bottle to the baby? How quickly do I fill the sippy cup for my toddler? How quickly do I move to open the cabinet to get outta snack? Can I do it slower, slower transmitting. Oh, I hear you now. Let mommy think about it so I can give you the best thing in this moment. Oh yes, you do need that. Let me finish this one. Sip of my coffee and we will get to you and what you need in this moment, right? It's the ability to not make yourself disappear and only think about this other person. Because when you do that, it's not well rounded. It's not, and it's most likely not gonna be effective. And if it is effective, you're not gonna know why it was effective.
(08:49):
So you will continue to fumble and Bumble and feel like you're walking on eggshells, hoping that it will work the next time. So pacing is part of partnership. The people that you love and trust in your life allow you to think, allow you to float, allow you to skip or hop, but they don't require you to run at all the time. And that's what you have to really be mindful of when you're connecting with your children. Now, mind you, there are different looks to this for a parent who is suffering postpartum. You may feel that you are moving really, really slow. And there is no for you to me move up and you feel like I am too slow because I'm kind of in this fog. Then you're in between your pauses, baby. I hear you, baby. I hear you. Mama's working on it, baby.
(09:49):
I hear you. Daddy is getting it together. Yes, baby. I, you, auntie is doing the best she can. It's gonna take me a little while, but the child feels your intention, right? They feel connected. They may be bothered. They may not care for your slower approach, but they know that they exist within your psyche, right? They've communi catered. And they have been heard for those of you that are doers and alphas people aren't lists. So attending to someone can have the opposite feeling that you think they may not feel that they are taken care of. They may start to feel that you are just dealing with them. They are just part of a checklist. People, children want connection. And so they want to feel you're doing it because you see them, not just you're doing it because it's something to be done, a task to be accomplished.
(10:51):
And so speed can be a tool, but it isn't a tool that need needs to be used with the frequency and consistency that we are led to believe the diamond in the rough, the hidden treasure is in the pause. So I want you guys to go out and really think about how, how do I navigate when it comes to my children? How quickly do I respond? Am I transmitting to them that everything is urgent in an emergency? How can I get them to see the world differently? How can I start to see the world differently? How can I navigate slower? And definitely slower brings more joy and more sanity to your day. So it helps both parties.
(11:39):
So take a moment and think about if you didn't do it and your child is a toddler or preschooler or school age, or maybe you're listening to this and you have a junior high, high schooler. It's never too late to change your pacing because you know what, when you do it for yourself in turn, you teach your, you teach your child another option, another way to navigate in the world. So yes, a tantrum is still gonna happen. So it won't kill you to pause. Before you tell your kid what to do, or you lay down an ultimate, a pause will give you a lot more clarity. A pause will allow you to see, you know what, they're at the tippy top of this tantrum. Let me wait for them to cycle down a bit so they can actually hear what I'm saying. So I actually know what they need or want in that moment.
(12:27):
Now that they've come, you know, out the other side. So I'd love to know how you've feel about this. What do you think? Was it something new for you to hear? Is it something to consider that you're gonna try? I'd love to hear your thoughts and if you have any questions or you want me to answer anything specifically, I'm starting to build out the private membership during that. It will be a lot of very specific questions. And I answer with very down to earth strategy that will work for all families regardless of your parenting style. So again, please feel free to reach out. I'd love to hear from [email protected] and I wish you the best rest of the day.
Get your guide HERE
